How to Hiatus – Notes on Being Happy, Now

Hiatus, over.

A 5 month hiatus. Exactly 5 months, in fact.

That’s a longass time.

Hiatus-ing is stressful. It’s probably the time you get the least sleep (even though you should be focused on resting) and have the least healthy lifestyle (even though you should be focused on that re-store). You’re stressed. Feel like you aren’t doing enough, don’t know what you want, and have to majorly, utterly resist the urge to tear yourself down for not having enough “discipline”– at least, this is the way it went for me.

I don’t know how to not be focused. I don’t know how to not have an end goal. I don’t know how to not keep a calendar that looks like a small wall of children’s building blocks or a list of next-to’s and not-done’s. It’s in my blood. My work till you drop, never stop thinking, always a new scheme or skill to be had, presets.

It’s funny because not doing, has taken the most discipline of all.

When will I learn, you say.

Hopefully, now.

The last few months have been about trust. Trusting that I can completely drop everything and get back on the horse when I’m done. Trusting that even though I’m not working my ass off on my ultimate goals right now, that I will again someday (did y’all also hear the word “someday” echo into the depths of hell with lost promises and unfulfilled dreams – LMAO still breaking habits)

Trusting yourself without backups and plans is scary. That shit is hard. And for some of us, like me and my calendar, someday is the scariest word of all.

So, it’s ok to not know.

It’s ok to stop in the midst of momentum if you need to – if it’s what you need, it’s always the “right” choice

It’s ok to “not” for a while. It doesn’t mean you’re weak.

It’s ok to completely put everything down and take time to process – you will not be irrelevant, forgotten, or left behind when you pick it back up

It’s ok to do absolutely nothing – as exemplified by my lounging self in one of my favorite photo sets.

When we don’t have a plan, that’s when life happens, and life is the ultimate illuminator.

And even now, I’m still somewhat on a hiatus. My eyes aren’t set on ‘building an empire’ as they normally are and are more focused on being happy, healthy, and enjoying, on a regular basis, what I enjoy.

Because being in it with the things you love, and stepping back from being the business do-it-all bitch I sometimes feel hardwired to be, is giving me the fuel to build that empire someday.

And, guys, I really was out of fuel.

I’m going back to basics right now and enjoying writing and enjoying shooting and fully enjoying, well, everything.

All the things I did for business, I’m going to do for me. All of the things I had as ticks on a goal sheet are going to be about present day happiness.

Like, did you even go somewhere if you didn’t enjoy it? Did you even do something if you remember nothing but being focused on the future?

Enjoying doesn’t mean you aren’t working hard. Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean you aren’t disciplined. Being content now doesn’t mean you don’t have goals.

I guess this is one big, long way to say, stay focused on the current. Make sure how you feel now is as worth it as your endgame. Lordt knows it’s going to change a lot along the way, and if your end isn’t exactly as you imagined it would be, can you at least look back and say you enjoyed the way?