Musings

And You Thought You Knew Me

I once told one of my ex’s that I might like to write a book someday. His response was, “God Chelsea, why would someone want to read about YOU?” Well thank you asshole, but I guess I’ll let y’all decide on that one.

Photo set by the fabulous @jambaju

From Iowa, to Virginia, to cross country road trip, to a brief stint in Austin, and a less brief stay in LA which we will consider the genesis of this story. I had a career, lost a career, and ended up in LA looking for a new direction and sense of self with NO idea what that was going to be. Really not a great position to be in in #1 most chaotic city ever on this planet (I’m serious, some people call a move to LA a “trial by fire”, I definitely don’t disagree). Did I mention I was also not speaking to my family at this point? Not speaking might be a tad understatement-y to be honest, let’s go with disowned in favor of my Mom’s boyfriend. We’re better now, but yeah that was a thing. Did I also mention I was broke as shit and nothing I did seemed to help? If there was an unequivocal low in my life, this was it. Pointing this out seems important because some people have this idea that I popped out of the womb some fearless hustle queen (I don’t even know if I’d own that title now honestly) when in fact I spent about 3 years consumed by the most gnarly depression and was 10/10 overwhelmed by life, getting out of bed everyday was the bane of my existence and I had very little confidence in the idea that I would ever be more than a waste of precious resources. So for those of you who are like me, and possibly in this position, when you look at people doing the things you want to do, know that they don’t have better opportunities than you. They most likely are not super human, and anything they are doing is just as possible for you to do too. If you would have told me that I’d be following in the footsteps (although in a beginning stage) of the person I idolized in my weakest moments I would have choked on my coffee drink. Just fucking do it, there’s nothing stopping you but you. I digress

Come this time (you know, my deeply unimpressive LA minute) I fell into modeling, decided I enjoyed making things, and pursued it with the ferocity of your stereotypical Aries. I knew it probably wouldn’t be my life’s work, but at that point I didn’t even know if I had any other interests. You have to understand that I grew up in an environment where hobbies and passions were things for eccentric people in made up story lines on TV and I had never seen one of these “passions” for myself before, much less felt it, hence I had NO idea what drove me… so modeling it was. At this point I was a logical, calculated, linear thinker with a mean pessimistic streak and basically no hope for the future. I was stubbbborn though, oh I was stubborn, I was going to do SOMETHING worth a damn. It was in my veins, but not in the parameters of my current self confidence, nor possible with my present mental patterns. I had shitty thing after shitty thing after yet another shitty thing happen during my time in LA; for instance, emotionally abusive relationships, sexual manipulation, a near cosmic influence over the inability to ever pay my bills (how did that check get lost AGAIN), and unprecedented jail time (yeah, the kicker).

After exactly one year in LA, to the day in fact, I said FUCK all of this and ran, not walked, back to Austin, Texas which I considered a nice place to lick my wounds. Over the two years I’ve spent here, after a lot of self help, supportive friendships, and self discovery, I unearthed my enthusiasm for aesthetics; photography, sewing, and fashion. I learned how to sing, I was (briefly) part of a band. I remembered that once upon a time I loved writing, and that I was good at it. My ass-kicking spirit even started to come back, which I was beginning to think might be permanently defunct. I was fiery again. My ambition started to make a reappearance with newfound feminist ideals and I felt like myself for the first time in 4 years (goddamn).

I also started to find that I may not have lost my original career path after all, it just transformed. I’ll fill you in on that, I was in holistic medicine on the fast track to taking over my mentor’s Naturopathy practice. I was goooood at it too, the only thing I had been good at up until this point (other than test taking and list making). This is it, I found my calling; no more searching for me, I thought. Wow look at me, 21 with all of my shit figured out? I’m a BADASS.

Yeah… that didn’t last long. At all. Esta situation took a turn for the worst via a lot of miscommunications and ended up, well, ending. Little known to me I had subconsciously adopted my mentor as my surrogate mother after the whole “not a part of my family anymore” thing… and after our “breakup”, to this day my mentor hasn’t spoken to me again. I know what you’re thinking, what the hell did you do!? She just saw the world verrrry differently than most people. She was genius status, also very spiritual and considered our “soul contract” to have “ended” so to further associate was a waste of time (apparently). It ripped my fucking heart out. I had been orphaned twice that year and my career was shot. I was gutted. I took it all as a sign and a personal affront; my confidence was shot, my expectations for my future with it, and I gave up holistic medicine. I straight ignored it for two years in fact. Well fast forward: I found that yes, holistic medicine and healing in general is still very much a part of my future, however, it may not be in the form I originally expected. I’m still pursuing my ND (Naturopathic doctor license), I’m also a Reiki Master and a Tarot Reader (I consider myself science based, more on that later), but I’ve found that my greatest passions are in aesthetics, writing, and the healing of people’s lives, giving them the tools to be who they want to be and do what they want to do, because what is life without living?

So here I am, an intense, difficult, swears a lot, says words that aren’t words, types how she talks type of girl, just trying to make it in this world doing what I love without consolations, and I’m not ever sorry

In the meantime, I’ve got some tidbits for y’all that fall under “shit I learned the hard way”, how I plan on making my living/working location one big moving target (did I mention I’m off to Japan?), and whatever else spills out my brain. You can keep up by subscribing via that annoying banner down there.

Stay rowdy,

Chels